We like donuts too… do you want to have a threesome?

Ok to be fair… the conversation didn’t happen exactly in that format. But… the long and short of it is…

I was asked to be in a threesome. While at work. In front of co-workers. Awkward.

And just to clarify… I in fact DO NOT work in a strip club. I work for a high-ish end cosmetics company. But we are smart sales people, and we know that the key to selling product is to show you how it works… on your skin. Which means I will have to touch your arm… in a completely non-sexual way. Or so I thought.

It was a normal Sunday afternoon in my shop. I am wearing a  vintage knee length DVF black and white flowered cotton wrap dress that was my mother’s from the 80’s. I am only clarifying my attire for context of modesty.  I could instead phrase it as… I am usually dressed much sluttier at work.

It was around 5:30 p.m. and I had just finished letting a child throw a bath bomb in a tub of hot water. Maybe I was looking overly wistful from watching the joy of this adorable blond boy laugh loudly as the bubbles touched his fingers and this random couple watching picked up on that. But I highly doubt it as we were 30 minutes from closing the shop doors. And I guarantee I was tired. But then I saw a couple approach the massage bar shelving unit. And as my two co-workers were engaged in conversations with other customers, I walked over to the massage bar unit and this is the conversation that ensued:

Me: “Have you ever used the massage bars before?”

Girl of Couple: “No we haven’t” (as she is picking up a massage bar).

Me: “Well do you have any allergies?”

Girl: “Not that I know of.”

Me: “Well throw me your arm and I will show you how these work.” So I grab her arm and rub the bar up and down it like six times. Completely non-sexually.

I then proceed to give them the spiel about massage bars while rubbing the lotion into her arm.

Me: “Despite that we call them massage bars they are actually just a solid lotion. We like to make everything in solid form so that we can make them preservative free. They are blocks of cocoa and shea butter that are really moisturizing for your skin.” Blah Blah Blah. This is like the 40th arm massage I have given today. Not a big deal.

I then notice that the Dude of the couple is holding a dunkin donuts coffee and a donut bag (also nothing unusual as most New Englanders frequent their local dunkin donuts more than they visit the bathroom in their own home). So I comment on it with something ridiculous, per usual.

“Oh my God. Have you tried the new Oreo donuts? They are sooooo good. Did you get the filled donut? It is exactly like and oreo.” (For the record, if you want to break your Paleo diet for one thing, this donut should be it because they are magical).

Dude of couple: “Yeah, I had the regular one and she had the filled one (nodding at the girl whose arm is in my hand.”

Girl of couple: “It was a really good donut.”

Me: “Cool. Well feel your arm and smell you skin. If you decide you want one throw it in one of these compostable bags.” And I point to the bags.  Give them a quick smile. Then I wander away to go help someone else. About five minutes later I rang them up for a massage bar and they left the store. Totally normal. This type of interaction happens to me at least 10 times a day. Why? BECAUSE IT IS MY JOB!!!

Is anyone else out there in sales? Because this next part will make sense for you. You know when you connect with someone who you are working with? Not in a sexual way… but in a… you totally want to buy this product and I am genuinely glad that I got to help you find something awesome for you… kind of way. Like a… thanks for listening to me… you made me not hate my job in retail because you actually listened. I will probably give you an extra smile or an extra sample because of this connection.

I DIDN’T GET THAT AT ALL WITH THESE PEOPLE!! They were just some random couple that wandered in and out of my day. So I am not sure where along the way the communication that I gave them was misconstrued.

The evening then continued normally. We closed the doors at six and me and my two co-workers were closing the store. So when the phone rings at 6:15 I grab the phone expecting to tell someone that yes…. the providence mall does in fact close at 6:00 p.m. and we will re-open at 10:00 a.m. on Monday morning. And then this happens:

Me: “Thanks for calling, this is Erin how may I help you?”

Unknown female: “Hi. Did you ring me up for a massage bar about 45 minutes ago?”

Me: “I am unsure (again… massage bars fly out the door. I sold one to a guy from Ghost Hunters the other day). It could have been me.”

Unidentified female: “Well are you casher number 11?”

Me: “No, but that doesn’t matter. We ring under each other’s number occastionally. I am a tall brunette, wearing a black and white floral print dress (this dress also have sleeves… just to add to my modesty argument)? Regardless, what can I do for you?”

At this point I figure she is either having an allergic reaction to the massage bar… or I rang her up for something that cost $100 dollars rather than $10. Either way, I am pretty sure the conversation will not end pleasantly. Which is why I was surprised by this:

Unidentified female: “Yeah… your voice sounds familiar so it must be you. I was just calling because I was wondering if you go both ways.

Silence.

Silence.

More Silence.

Me: “Ummmm… I don’t. But thanks for the compliment.” My voice apparently didn’t even change tone.

Now identified arm massage girl: ” Oh okay. My boyfriend and I just thought you were really fun and really cute.”

Me: “Well thanks. Have a good night! Bye!” Again… tone not changing.

Slightly creepy arm massage patron: “Bye.”

I hang up the phone. My face apparently must have had a strange look upon it.

Co-worker: “Who was that.”

Me: “I think I was just propositioned to be in a threesome.”

While slightly awkward… my team and I just laughed it off. And the truth is actually this:

My 30th birthday is turning out to be the gift that keeps on giving. Because the reality is this couple was young. Younger than me. And they were attractive. So it really was a compliment because they weren’t a creepy video game obsessed couple who never leaves their basement. But who knew that things happened like this outside the strip club?

Although apparently just like in a strip club, I have to draw hard limits with my customers otherwise I might have to call the bouncer. So just as a rule of thumb… I came up with these general guidelines to remain professional:

Keep skirts no higher than your knee, Go nowhere below the belt, and keep all arm massages below the elbow. Just to be safe 🙂

One thought on “We like donuts too… do you want to have a threesome?

  1. Once in an art gallery (because it was my job also) I helped a man name Bruce learn about a piece of art he liked. In the gallery mail 3 days later was an invitation and a train ticket to join him in some beach community for the weekend. I don’t know why customers think that retail people are offering more than the products they are selling. At least it gives us funny stories to laugh about after we get over the awkward, shocking, inappropriate event. People are so weird. Where do they come from? Video games, strip clubs, strange communities somewhere? Clearly, far, far away from Colorado.

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