I’m sorry… are you wearing a tube top as a skirt?

Dearest readers… I am sorry my post this week is a day late. I promise to be better next week! On to the weekly ridiculousness:

I manage a retail store in a mall (we sell amazing handmade soap). However, this last year is the first time I have actually worked in a mall. In a seven year retail career I have managed to spend only one year of it in an actual mall. The other six years were spent in freestanding stores or storefronts for those who are retail-inclined. And working in a mall is proving to be quite the experience.

The mall I work in happens to be the high end mall in Rhode Island. However, for anyone who has ever lived outside of Rhode Island with real high end malls… this means almost nothing. It is kind of like buying bras at target because it is closer than driving to the Victoria’s Secret that is 45 minutes away. We are the target of high end malls. You don’t even want to see the other malls outside of Providence.

Providence Place boasts itself (on a giant banner within the mall) to be “The Second largest indoor carpeted mall in the United States.” Which isn’t something I would think the State of Rhode Island would want to brag about (there is much cooler shit in Rhode Island)… but we are a tiny state so let’s just go with it. I tried to google “largest carpeted indoor mall” out of sheer curiousity, but it yielded no results. Apparently the largest carpeted mall in the United States thinks this is a silly thing to brag about.

I worked the entire Labor Day weekend, and at the end of it I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Not because we were busy “holiday style,” but because I felt like I had been a glorified hall monitor all weekend (and it really made me question whether procreation in this day and age is really that great of an idea. I mean… The Duggar family has like two soccer teams worth of kids… I should probably cut back just to compensate). And it got me thinking about society… and how we got to the place where I have to spend all weekend telling 13 year olds to quit rubbing glitter on their overexposed ass cheeks (This topic has also come up on five friends’ facebook feeds this week, maybe back to school brings out this topic). Since I am in a mid-priced mall that draws all sorts of visitors (including a number of Japanese tourists who don’t speak english), I know that I see more ridiculousness than the average bear. But then something like this happened:

Two fifteen year old girls walked into the store and one of them picks up our glittery bubble bath. She then proceeds to rub the glitter all over her overly push-up bra’d chest. She then turns to her friend and says in an incredibly ditzy voice “Look, now I’m all sparkly. Hehehehe.” And shimmies her way over to her friend. Not to be upstaged, her friend shimmies over to meet her and proceeds to rub her overly exposed chest all over her friends boobs, and replies with a predictably ditzy laugh “Look, now I’m sparkly too.”

Somewhere, Hillary Clinton is dying inside.

I wanted to laugh at these girls because my staff actually calls this bubble bath “glitter herpes.” Because once you get that glitter on you… it will never leave. It is probably in my hair right now.

I wish this type of thing was an isolated incident, but it is not. So after seeing loads of girls wearing tube tops as skirts and transparent scarves as shirts stream into the store with Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, and Express bags… I went exploring to see what the hell is going on. And I don’t want to get all preachy (because this blog is about laughing)… but I can’t blame them for dressing… slutty. The media tells them sexy is good, and the marketing done in these stores supports it! The stores that most teens can afford create swimsuits with butt coverage the size of a postage stamp. Like 50% of the shirts I saw in these stores were sheer… and I saw one dress that was lined from the waist down but the top was totally sheer. I asked the sales associate where the top lining piece went and this was her reply: “No, you are just supposed to wear a bra under it. Like a aminal print one.”

I am sorry, but I am not about to take fashion advice from someone who can’t properly say “animal.” I walked away terrified because this girl is probably in nursing school and will one day be changing my feeding tube.

Enough people have written scathing articles/blogs/rants about the media’s portrayal of sexuality and how it affects the young girls in our society. But it really isn’t changing. So rather than yell about it to all of you (after all I do own some short skirts… and I wore a few short skirts in high school), I instead took photos of the mannequins and have created conversations they might be having. This seemed like a better choice than taking photos of scantily clad 13 year old girls… which seems like the quickest way to get arrested as a pedophile and end up on the sex offender list. For your viewing pleasure:

These classy broads are sharing a moment. Notice one has their arm around the other. How bittersweet. Or not.

On right: “Hey girl. I left half of my shirt at home but we can still go to school right? They repealed that No shirt, No shoes, No school thing right? Oh also, I totally slept with your boyfriend last night.”

The general pose of these is fantastic, and begs a question that one should ask before going out:

“Is there something on my vagina?”

Abercrombie apparently sells this:

Naked, sleepy men. Anyone who has ever woken up with a man knows what that means. Clearly I’ll be shopping her more often.

And Abercrombie’s clothing has gone back to being only semi-scandalous (there was quite a bit of plaid in there). However, I would like to remind you all what Abercrombie sold in 1998:

Fisherman/hunting sweaters. High necked monstrosities that I still adore 14 years later. Not slutty at all. In fact, I think Richard Dryfus might have actually worn this in “JAWS.”

This one is out of control ridiculous:

On right: “Smell my armpit. Do I smell like B.O.? Did my ladies AXE perfume quit working already?”
On left: “Bitch, I just met you in the bathroom. We aren’t friends. Put your damn arm down, you look like Hitler.”

I don’t know who poses the mannequins for Forever 21… but they must have a sense of humor:

In middle: “Ugh, I think I pulled a butt muscle in pole-dancing class.”
On left: “Um… don’t you mean you pulled a butt muscle at work?”

This poor girl drank waaaaay too much:

“Uuuuuummmmm… can you help me find the bathroom. I think I peed myself.”

Can anyone tell me where to find this mannequin? I hope to use it to scare my future children into doing chores:

Just look at the top mannequin. Does anyone know why she is angry/absolutely terrifying?

And last but not least… there are so many things wrong with this photo that I don’t even know where to begin:

Open toed sandals and over the knee stockings? You look like my alcoholic grandmother. May she rest in vodka-loving peace.
This style of hat belongs only on dudes. Or people doing winter sports. And pulled down over the eyes? Blinded by synthetic fabrics is sexy in the wrong way.

I  really have nothing insightful to contribute other than… I wish you all the best of luck in raising your girls. I have many friends who I know are great parents to their kids, and I will do my best as a member of society to keep them from rubbing their boobs against each other when they are in my store.

5 thoughts on “I’m sorry… are you wearing a tube top as a skirt?

  1. Did I see this correctly…are some of those mannequins actually pulling plastic DUCK FACES?! I.hate.the.duck.face. On real people or fake ones. Your blog made me laugh, but it also filled me with genuine terror.

  2. this morning i woke up to my inbox full of another article about how young girls are dressing too sexy. your post is sad, but true. so crazy! i remember wearing a mini-skirt on the first day of public high school in boulder with my best friend very a la “clueless” style with the strong encouragement of my mother, but after that… it was pants, shorts, normal clothes. then off to prep school where we had a dress code: no spaghetti straps, obviously no super short shorts or skirts. if you broke code, you’d get some kind of talk and told not to do the same the next day. people could still express their style with appropriate hemlines, bust coverage and for the gents pants close to their waste. use fabric, color, texture a cool haircut, jewelry or your glittering personality, brains, friendship to make the start of a new year a good one. what happen to the gap being the coolest place to get a new pair of jeans for the school year? or is that so 90s!?

  3. I was starting to wonder what was going on. I’m glad you validated what I already felt. BTW carpeted malls are the most outdated thing in the retail world. Let’s roll the carpet up today and send it back to the late 80’s!

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