Upon further inspection… my “type” of guy is not what I thought…

Being single later in life is sometimes confusing for married people. Some married folks are very thankful that they don’t have to put in the plucking, fluffing, buffing, and shaving that is involved with single life. Others are jealous and want to know every dirty detail of you life because they want to live vicariously through you. Married acquaintances (you know… the bitchy ones at office parties) look at you like a science project. Married friends (the ones who really love you) want nothing more than to help you find someone… and this is the conversation that occurs:

Married friend: “So you are single?? I have so many great single guy friends!!! So what is your type?”

Me: “My type? Like my type of coffee? (dark roast… heavily caffeinated… thanks for asking)? My type of dog? (Has to weight more than 30 pounds… I don’t want to be able to punt it across a football field)? Or my type of tv shows? (I prefer comedy… life is already too serious for my taste).

Married friend: “No silly. Your type of guy! What type of guy do you like to date?”

My wit never seems to get me out of this conversation. I always hope that distracting them will actually make them forget the conversation topic. But to no avail. So after the question is asked my brain starts downloading “summary of Erin’s past boyfriends” to try and analyze how I have come to be an “equal opportunity dater,” ie. I have no type (as previously stated in blog… post titled… so this one time when I accidentally dated ex-indian royalty).” So we start at the beginning.

No one really dates in Junior High. Let’s be honest about that. The only people dating were the ones who wore too much eyeliner, crop tops, starter jackets (it was 1995) and actually had breasts. At the ages of 12 and 13 I was in none of those categories. I was probably also actively scaring away the skater boys with my silk vest emblazoned with… wait for it… massive sunflowers. Combine that lovely vest with braces and inappropriate blond bangs… and you have my seventh grade school photo.

In high school all I wanted to do was make my parents proud. I was a prim and proper blond princess who did all the right things… got good grades, was popular, played sports, and dated the right boy. In other words, I was a millennium class robot. I only dated preppy boys who did the same things as me… in other words… I dated another millennium robot… but with a penis (model 2.0).This trend would continue largely through to college, and after college too (barring Med Student… who was a baby faced bad boy in uniform… a deceiving combination for sure). However, in all of these relationships either myself or millennium robot 2.0 got bored. So after years and years of dating the same person I opened up my scope to hopefully find someone to be with long term.

But my married friends do have a point. Who is it that I am really attracted to (this includes famous people)? And I have to be honest that there are only three men I have had a visceral reaction to upon seeing (and each of them comes with a giant caveat which will be revealed shortly). Like an actual jaw dropping response. One was a real person that I knew. One was an unknown actor who would later become massively famous. The last one is a relatively unknown actor who will become extremely famous (I think).

1. In 2001ish… there was Legolas from Lord of the Rings. Even under the long blond hair I could tell there was a smoking hot Orlando Bloom. In 2001, upon admitting my lust for a blond elf to my friend Scott, he had the most appropriate reaction: “Erin, that is so narcissistic of you. He looks exactly like you.” Which was true in 2001 (and for most of my life), as I had long blond hair and slightly pointy ears. Touche Scott, touche. Also, I then dressed as Legolas for Halloween for years.

2. The real life man was RomCom. We met in a restaurant in New York City. I saw him across the bar and was immediately drawn to his smile… and then noticed he had on the most delicious cognac colored leather jacket. A man with a killer smile and great taste in clothing? Uh oh.

3. The last and most recent was the Captain Hook from “Once upon a time.” He wears more eyeliner than I do… but I don’t care. That is one sexy beast.

But when looking back at the common thread between these men… I noticed one rather disturbing fact. Here comes the caveat.

The three men I have been attracted to have long blond hair, great taste in clothing, and wear eyeliner. Ummmm… should I be dating Rachel Zoe? Or Heidi Klum?

I kid, I kid. I just really apparently want to date rugged men who don’t look like they have showered for a decade. Pirates without scurvy or gold teeth. Elves on save the world treks who can handle a bow and arrow. Men with really good taste in leather and cars. That is fairly manly… right?

So for the married folks out there… this is why it is difficult to ask what type of guys a single person likes to date. Most likely it is because they have been dating the wrong type of guy for 10 years and that is why they are single. Or maybe it is because their isn’t yet a pirate themed dating website. Just saying. Wouldn’t you also eat this man for breakfast?

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