To all my readers, I apologize for my absence of posts as of late… life has been hectic. And despite that my friends and family may have stopped reading my blog regularly, I would like to thank a devoted group of folks who keep my daily blog post reads usually in the 5 to 10 range.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with modern day blogging, most blog sites not only tell you the number of reads your blog gets per day, but it can also tell you the following:
*The number of reads each post gets per day and week.
*What search engines were used to find the blog.
*What search terms you put into google that made you click on said blog.
*What country you are in when you read my blog.
*And if you clicked on any of the photos in said blog.
This excess of knowledge about the people reading my blog leads me to:
Hazard # 1: If you use the words “teen” and “tube top” in a blog title, an obscene number of perverts will be reading your blog daily (approximately 5 to 10 perverts per day).
That’s right folks… I get a pretty regular amount of hits from people plugging some variation of “teens wearing tube tops as skirts” into google and then clicking on this post: Me making fun of fashion for teens. I also get, less frequently however, young girls hoping for a tutorial on “how to wear a tube top as a skirt.” Ugh. Oh the downfall of society.
So thank you to all the devoted perverts out there, and all of the idiot teen girls bored on the internet: You are making the internet porn industry go round. The only thing satisfying for me about this entire ordeal is that everyone is leaving my blog post sorely disappointed as it only contains photos of mannequins.
So now that everyone is busy erasing their web browser histories we can move onto:
Hazard # 2: You will mock people, and they will say it is ok, but it turns out it really isn’t.
So I was on the phone with my Mom yesterday just chatting like normal. We catch up once or twice a week, but it has been on the less frequent side since she and my sister were both here a mere two weeks ago for a wedding. So it was kind of surprising when about 15 minutes into the conversation she pops up with “So I am moving to another apartment upstairs. The movers are coming tomorrow.” In case you are wondering why this is surprising or otherwise, please read this post…. which highlights the moving debacles of my mother.
So now I just feel bad because my 65 year-old mom is moving without my help (or my sister’s help… who only lives 45 minutes from my mom)… all because I needed the world to know that she owns too much shit.
As a manager, I know there are tons of ways to motivate people to do things. You can reward someone with words, with prizes, you can coach, or possibly inspire. But it turns out, that the most effective way to get anything done is through public shaming… even it if is unintentional. (It’s ok mom… I wouldn’t have told me either). So now that you are thinking what a horrible human being I am… we can move onto:
Hazard # 3: To censor or not to censor.. that is the question.
So this may seem like a ridiculous thought to you all… but it turns out… people actually read my blog. I started writing as a cathartic way to get rid of some emotional baggage, and it turned into a funny thing that people wanted to read. So I have found myself doing a lot of writing and not posting because I am afraid of offending someone. I think with most humor writers this is always a conundrum (it is also the reason most famous people hate Chelsea Handler). And quite frankly, some of the most offensive stuff out there is the most hilarious. If we all sat around being polite all the time we would be like…the Amish.
And then there are the surprising messages/facebook requests from former flames (not even a phone call) regarding whether you kept writing (because they have apparently been google stalking you but can’t find anything because they aren’t adept at this whole new fangled thing called the internet). I politely told them all to fuck off. You didn’t deserve me then and you don’t deserve me now.
If you want to know some things about me now… here it is:
I bike to work everyday like a bat out of hell. I am in a healthy relationship. At 31, “keeping it tight” takes longer than it used to… and now it involves heat rash. My current favorite form of exercise in drunk bicycling. I am far from perfect and it is a beautiful thing. I still don’t have any tattoos. I live in a safer neighborhood now so I am thinking about going blond again. I was recently told by a customer that I have nice gums (he later admitted he was an oral surgeon and then it made a lot more sense). My beloved dog has a fatty tumor and will soon be having obscenely expensive doggy liposuction since the fat is in her armpit and getting large enough to impede her movement. After being involved with a lot of weddings this summer, if I ever get married it will be at a courthouse. I am not too old to have friendship bracelets. I could go on for hours but will spare you all the gritty details… this week.
Thanks for reading. I promise to write each week. Namaste.